Hey. Whoever that gonna read this. This mostly just gonna be baseless rambles on how I felt about... I don't know really. I hope you have a great day though. High chance you are my irl friends if you are reading this...
And You Must Know That I am trans right???
I am tired of talking about trans identity. Over and over again. I know it's a really pent-up desire to just transition and not stuck in this moidself but to be reminded of my trans statuses every time I got deadname, and every time I talk to anyone, and everytime my family talk to me and everytime I step... anywhere.
Its kinda hurts.. a lot really... It fvcking hurts. I kinda hate being trans tbh.
So to keep my minds away, I usually play rhythm games. It made me forgot all my problems. I felt happy, and alive in a sense. Sure everyone in the arcade will be misgendering me because I live in Transgender Hell but its fine. I will just beat my score and be happy about it. In case you can't tell I like playing rhythm game.
But sometime it gave me a deep sadness. I kinda, miss my friend really. There's no other way to describe it. I just miss them. I miss when I don't get deadname or when I was surrounded by people like me. Nowadays I felt alone. and empty. All the trans women in malaysia have it pretty rough. Most people are forced into sex work because employment oppurtunity is practically zero if you are openly trans. I don't think it's possible to find.. other trans friends. that also like rhythm game i guess. but. I kinda find them. Like I know a non binary maimai player. I know a femboy mania player. God forbid how many furries I met on twitter. I just dont felt happy about being myself in front of them. And I felt like I am bound to be rejected by some other. It really is just the nature of it all.
I love myself. I love Erin specifically. I hate [Deadname], she reminded me too much of my old trauma.
When I was in the voltex tournament, I felt overwhelmed. Everyone is presumably a cisgender men. I need to register with my deadname for documentation's reason and I felt unsafe. I met one of my friends for the first time. But I introduce myself with my deadname and I pussy out on coming out to him so in his mind, he have yet to met me. Truthfully, I might not be the only person in the whole tournament that are well... trans lmao. But like... I'm scared... I'm afraid even if its true that I'm not... that they were not queer enought... that someone could be hyperconservative.... that I will be pushed away again...and I don't really wanna leave the community of the only game that I love.
I want to be good at voltex. Not just be good but even be the best player in Malaysia. I want to hit rainbow in Chunithm and maybe 12 ptt in Arcaea but I would not go beyond that.Reason why I felt safe in voltex community before is just how much people there are trans. Heck, the Ohio voltex discord server have 3 incidents where people came out as trans. I like seeing my friends playing. I don't talk much because frankly I HATE MY VOICE. My voice genuinely made me suicidal at time but I do regret not trying to be closer or even more open to them. I want to be good. And not just good. I want to be the best. I want to reach imperial 3, no matter how long it takes. and I want to win the tournament.
And the reason for that is because I want to be the unrelentless representation. I wish for other girl to felt safe if they see me win. The same way I felt safe around my friends before. I want to win. Please. I want to win. so bad. I want to win.
Well if you know me you also know that I am the chronic bottom seeder in every tournament. Mostly because I always the only 13vf or 16vf in the whole tournament (beside motl of course) and everyone else is Crimson at least. So there's a really long way to get there. But I want to get there. I want to get there.
Great thing is I have my own controller and we will not have any tournament until Nabla magically spawned in for us so I have some time. In the same time I am trying to find ways to get myself out. Temporarily, Permanently or Nuclear Option. The longer I spent here, the worst my mental state get.
I wish it was easier for me. But it's not. In the meantime I will try and build community, voice train and be safe. Also practice Voltex like stupid because duh. I want to fulfill my promise to Rachel(HI IF YOU READING THIS LMAO) and comeback stronger but I don't think im gonna be even close to them even after four years lols.
But I will get there. I will.